one year ago...

one year ago today was the first morning since puberty where i woke up without boobs. this self-designed body had become such a part of me that the event almost went completely unnoticed, almost became a moment that I'd remember, days later and wonder if i should have commemorated it in some way. Instead, my friend meg managed to remember one of the most monumental events in my life that i just happened to forget. Thank God we were already out at a bar so we could toast my man chest. still, i was left with this lingering feeling that it was something i should have remembered myself.

That year seems so far from where my life is now. I have finished school, left new york and moved in with my girlfriend. I no longer have a studio in which to stare at myself day in and day out, recording every change on paper. Perhaps it isn't that this change has been so natural as to fade into the background but rather that i no longer have time to marvel at the changes i have had the amazing opportunities to experience.

I no longer worry about hiding my chest, i no longer worry about speaking and my feminine voice giving me away. both are quite to the contrary. now i worry about hiding my drivers license and my social security card giving me away. Today, i have gone from battling the world's perception of me on a daily basis. I rarely get called anything but "sir" when I'm out in public. The fear and discomfort isn't as near to the surface, but the stakes somehow seem higher. will i loose a job when people find out? how often do i not even apply for a job because i fear this will be the case? i don't know the answers to these questions. what i do know is that people continue to surprise me. after all, two years ago today i never would have imagined looking in the mirror like i did last night and examining my new chest hair.

one year ago today i was lying in bed, tubes sucking fluid out of my chest. bandages covered the place breasts used to occupy and a compression vest held skin against muscle. this morning i woke up, scratched at an itch just below my scar before throwing on a t-shirt and stumbling down to work.