Thursday, April 29, 2004

The edge of a new begining.

A Week Before Everything Gets Started:

Next week I go to the doctor. I'm excited about the changes hormones will make, but i'm not sure what to expect when I go to the doctor and ask to make those changes. Am I going to have to proove that I know what I'm doing? Am I going to have to say why I'm doing it?

I find it interesting that to a small child all I need to do is cut my hair and wear boy's clothes and to them I'm a boy. To an adult I have to change a lot more than that. When I used to teach pre-school all the kids called me a boy and I didn't feel the slightest bit of shame. Adults would call me sir and I would be nervous just waiting for them to find me out. With children there was nothing to find out. To them I was a boy. Is that my biggest worry about becoming a man--that people will "find me out?" I almost asked myself if that's why I want to go on T, but I know it's not. Ever since I made the decision to do this I've been so excited. I'm ready. I think I want to go on T so there is nothing to "find out." I am what I am. It's just hard and weird.

Why is it that I'm comfortable with people calling me Eli, but I don't correct them when they call me Ellie? Why is it that Eli is now my name, but I don't want to hear my girlfriend call me that. I don't want her to call me Betsy either. I've moved past that name. I just want her to keep calling me her teddy bear.