i watched a documentary on a lesbian couple, both of whom are professional boxers. it made me miss it. it made me miss the bravado of being a defiant woman--a woman who will kick your ass, a woman who can stand up to any man, but even as i write these words i see myself writing a woman who isn't really a woman. it's not that i ever outright loathed my body, nor that i wasn't proud to be a part of a tradition of strong butch women, i just couldn't connect this history, tradition, body to my self.
still, i think how i want to take up boxing--lesbian boxing. then i remember i can't. i wanted to try out for a women's football team. i can't do that either. i'm now "just" a man. i never wanted to be normal, straight seems so boring, but pushing past the possibilities of gender has pulled me squarely into a new set of expectations where to feel subversive i have to take up knitting and cross stitching.
i still miss being a dyke, even though i'm not sure i ever was one.