directions...

I'm waiting at the bus stop in china town and this group of five teenage boys comes up to me. my teenage years were pretty traumatic so i fear teenage boys way more than i do adult men. so they walk up and ask where canal street is, "ma'am." while I'm giving the one directions the other one is yelling in the background, "that's a man, yo." i give my directions and the kid turns to me and says, "I'm sorry, really i am. you are a guy right?" i just say it's OK and not to worry about it. happens sometimes. he runs off yelling at his friends, "you guys, i told you it was a guy. you guys are such dorks." it made me smile. when i looked like a girl i got mistaken for a guy and now i get mistaken for a woman. i still enjoy watching people argue about it after they walk away.

passing

"excuse me, ladies."

huh? what's that about. not only am i packing, but I've paid a small fortune for this very flat chest. lady? i don't get it. i pass maybe 75% of the time so when i don't it catches me completely off guard. i have a very love/hate relationship with passing to begin with so i never know how to respond. usually when i open my mouth people look very uncomfortable and correct themselves which is attention i don't really want either. it would be nice to just not have to think about it but unfortunately that's just not possible...

on the other hand I'm glad that I've got knowledge that someone who has never seen both sides of gender will never have. being on both sides of "ladies" and "gentlemen" changes the way you see said ladies and gentlemen. thank god.

pre surgery post

There's been a lot going on since the last time I wrote. I suppose I got so overwhelmed with the general act of living life that I didn't quite have time to relay the information. So here in a nutshell is everything that's happening.

My parents have offered to loan me the money for my top surgery and I will be paying them back gradually through various fundraising events. Thanks to all who have contributed so far. I have raised over $400 dollars, which is enough to cover my stay in extended care. I scheduled my surgery sometime in September with Dr. Fisher and have the date set for January 11, 2005. My mom and girlfriend will be traveling down to Baltimore and staying for about a week. After that I will return to Brooklyn and continue my recovery there.

In other news, I've been on hormones for about six months. My voice has dropped to a point where I have no trouble passing on the phone. I've hit a point where I never know how people are reading me when I'm in public. Perhaps they aren't so sure either because I rarely get called ma'am or sir. I have a few whiskers but nothing substantial. I do have a bit of a furry belly. However, the most notable feature change right now is my unbelievable acne problem. I've been told that it just looks like my skin is looking a bit more ruddy and masculine and thank you Meg for trying to make me feel better, but fact is I really look like a pimply faced teenage boy. What can you do, though? Going through puberty the right way this time makes up for some of the bad side effects.

Anna is still as beautiful and amazing as ever. Her jewelry donation raised $100 for my surgery but more important is her support and presence through all of this. It's by no means easy, but were doing our best to keep talking about everything.

Top surgery is on the calendar...

The boobs are coming off January 11th, and it's going to be a family affair. My mom, my girlfriend, possibly my father and who knows who else are all trooping down to Baltimore to take care of business. what does this business entail, you may ask?

so I'm going down to see Dr. Beverly fisher just outside of Baltimore. I've heard good things about from other people so I made an appointment. I had to pay a 10% deposit of a $6800 cost upfront to schedule the appointment and I'll be paying the rest sometime in December.

the type of surgery I'm getting is double incision. what happens is a cut is made below the breast along the line of the pectoral. all the excess tissue and skin is removed through this cut and then I'm stitched back up. my nipples will then be grafted back on in a more boy like placement. after the surgery is complete my mom, girlfriend and i will be hanging out in a hotel nearby so we can go back to the care facility regularly to get my bandages changed as well as seeing all lovely suburban Baltimore has to offer from the comfort of my hotel room. after that it's back to Brooklyn where I'll continue to recover for who knows how long.
i had to quit smoking for this surgery otherwise there may be certain complications like my nipples falling off. that was incentive enough, but not smoking also promotes faster healing, among other things.

as the countdown continues i get more and more excited. now that all the forms have been filled out, the therapist's letter has been written, the surgery clearance appointment has been made all there is left to do is wait.

Testosterone at 2 months

It's been two months injecting Testosterone. Although I don't think I look all that different I'm starting to feel some of the effects. I've now had four half doses over the course of two months and my next dose will be a full 1 ml. I'm having some trouble sleeping and feel like I've been thrown into the rhythm of a teenager. Even when I'm exhausted I'm up until 2 a.m. and want to stay in bed until well past noon. I'm also beginning to break out a bit. Thus far my face has stayed pretty clear but my chest is covered in pimples.

I've graduated from self-injection school and can now give myself shots at home. As a graduation gift I got my very own Sharps bio-hazard waste container. After my shot on Friday I felt a bit achy all over. It felt a lot like the growing pains I had as a kid. I know I'm not supposed to get any taller, but it's nice to dream. More likely it's my muscles changing and growing.

The last major change I've noticed is in my temperament. In the past as far as the fight or flight instinct went I was pretty much a frequent flier. If provoked enough I would stand up for myself, but it certainly wasn't my first choice. Now I find myself getting angry a lot more quickly and instead of sitting down and "talking about my feelings," I'd rather hit someone. I know that I won't resort to violence, but it's an interesting feeling nonetheless. In time I think this energy could be a positive thing, helping me to be more assertive and stand up for myself better, but right now it's just a lot to try and understand and deal with. All in good time, I suppose.

One of the boys

I've begun working at a fine art screen printing shop doing screen prep. They print for the likes of Chuck Close and Leroy Neiman. It's an interesting environment, watching the business of art. It's also interesting in that I'm the only non-guy working in the back room. My boss rarely refers to me by my name but rather "buster," "buddy," and "brother er...sister." I feel as though I've proven myself to be a hard worker in a rather physical job. It's just hard for me to ask for help lifting screens or anything like that because I don't know if people see me as more of a girl when I do or not. It's not surprising that anyone would need help maneuvering a screen that's 5 feet by 7 feet, but still.

It's a very active environment and I enjoy the solitude of blowing out screens and going about my business. It's also been nice being surrounded by men. I feel like I'm learning to be more assertive and not back down if I feel like someone is making fun of me. Chances are they are just joking around and I'm learning that in order to feel like "one of the boys" I need to give it back and not back down.

Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice for all Creation

When you gaze at a couple and wonder
What makes him him and her her
Beware, for it's easy to blunder
And be false in what you aver.
Some creatures change sex before tea time
Some others find two sexes dull
And that virile male fish has no free time
He's got all his kiddies to lull.
When it comes to the topic of gender
Mother natures been having some fun.
Take nothing for granted, remember,
You wont find any rules, not a one.

by Evolutionary Biologist Dr. Olivia Judson aka Dr. Tatiana
from
"Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice for all Creation."