On Becoming

The five year anniversary of my beginning T passed without much fanfare. I casually noticed that this milestone had passed one morning while I was shaving. It's important to keep in mind that when I say shaving it is not a full beard growth that I am scraping away at each morning, but a few patchy whiskers that after a week just make me look sloppy. I thought after 5 years of hormones I'd have more to show for it, but I'm also determined to let my transition take whatever form it will take.

Then last week I went to the doctor for depression. I'd been on anti-depressants before and after a year long experiment of being med-free I decided it wasn't working. Since living in Philadelphia I've been going to the Mazzoni Center. The Mazzoni Center is a queer health center and although I'm glad it exists, compared to Callen-Lorde, I was always disappointed. Every time I went to the Mazzoni Center I saw a different doctor, nurse and once a Temple University Intern. I understand internships need to happen but he was more nervous than I was and ended any chance of me actually asking for what I needed. It began to feel more like shopping than medical care. I would make an appointment, say what I needed and get a prescription. I would occasionally be told that I needed to get blood work done but never heard anything about these results. I always assumed they would tell me if something was wrong. I shouldn't have.

This past visit I saw Dane Menkin. He asked me important and intelligent questions when I talked to him about my desire for anti-depressants. He told me when I didn't answer his questions--which means he was actually listening to the answers. He was able to say things like "I've had a lot of success with this with my other trans patients." He had other trans patients.

Then he did something that no one else at the Mazzoni Center has ever done--he looked at my blood work. My testosterone level was only two thirds of what it should be. More disturbingly, it probably had been since I moved back to Philly 4 years ago and started a new type of testosterone. Suddenly everything began to fall into place--my depression, my irritability, my lack of facial hair, my womanly metabolism, my fatigue. I felt like a man, but I wasn't sure I felt normal. I wasn't sure because I had no normal to compare it to.

I think sometimes we have trouble taking control of our own medical care. We are so grateful to be getting any sort of care that we don't want to rock the boat. Its also hard when everything is changing to know if everything is changing enough or in the right way. What is normal when everything about this feels so un-normal sometimes?

I've started Welbutrin and upped my dose of Testosterone every morning. Its too soon to feel an actual physical change, but mentally knowing that I have a doctor who is actually invested in my health and paying attention to my shortfalls has changed everything. I may never be happy without medication, grow a full beard or loose all my lady fat, but at least I'll know I only have genetics to blame.

Getting the Go-Ahead

My Visit to the Callen-Lorde Counseler:
Last week I had my appointment with the counselor at Callen-Lorde. I was admittedly nervous. I wasn't sure what I was going to be expected to do or say there. Would I be explaining myself and be expected to prove that I knew what I was doing or simply prove that I wasn't crazy? After 25 years of trying to explain it to myself I doubt my ability to find a convincing explanation in one appointment.

Thankfully every concern was put to rest immediately after I sat down. I was told I was simply there so that he could make sure I was getting all the services and support I needed. I was given a mental health seal of approval and can start hormones on June 6. After that I was sent to the Gay and Lesbian Community Center to join one of their support groups.

At my initial interview I was asked what gender I identified as? I thought this was a strange question to ask someone at a place called the Gender Identity Project. I answered Male, no trans identifiers, for the first time and it occurred to me what I was really doing. I wasn't crossing gender boundaries to exist on the other side, I was crossing so I could make my home on the border. Until I know what it's like to live as a man I can never know what it's like to live as both or neither. Sometimes you have to travel beyond yourself to know who you really are.